I’ve watched nine seasons of A&E’s Emmy award winning show Intervention. I know I’m no expert, but I’ve learned a lot about controlled substances and how you’re supposed to interact with addicts. If I were to personify my lung disease and participate in an intervention for its downward spiraling life choices, the first episode that comes to mind is Allison** who huffed compressed air.
I’m here today because I love you and care about you. The happiest day of my life was when my doctor diagnosed me with lung disease and prescribed some inhalers. I felt almost instant relief and had an excuse to why I constantly felt like crap and why people thought I was always in a bad mood. You gave me an immense amount of trouble all through high school, but we made amends and had a good run during college. Seven years ago your bad choices came back and started severely limiting my quality of life. This is why I want you to accept this wonderful gift we have to offer you today.
Asthma, your addiction has affected me in the following ways:
Towlie Getting High on Computer Duster
- Every time I make fun of someone on TV or in a movie who is only bench pressing 95-115lbs, you remind me I haven’t been to the gym in a year.
- If I laugh too hard at something hilarious, you give me a coughing fit. Stoicism is harder than it looks.
- I used to love blowing stuff up. Remember that one winter we buried all those firecrackers in snowbanks and watched them soar? You’ve made me so reactive to any smoke I can’t even attend a bonfire or stand next to a cookout most days.
- You ruin vacations and holidays. Last year you made me so sick at a film festival they gave me an award for hardest traveled.
- I spend 25% of my net pay on you for doctors, treatments and prescription drugs. That doesn’t even account for all the Mt Dew and Dr Pepper.
- I carry a bag full of medicine everywhere I go and my friends call it a man-purse behind my back.
- At night you give me sharp pains in my left lung and make it hard to breathe. I often stay up all night watching Netflix. You had my sleep patterns so messed up in 2010, I completed a 28 movie marathon in less than two days.
- And I’m not even able to regularly post on my blog every week!
What happened Asthma? You used to be cool. Yeah you held me back a bit, but the medicine always kept me going. I care about you, Asthma. This is why we’re providing you an opportunity to…
Asthma bolts for the door while the moderator sends the film crew to chase it into the hotel parking lot. We should have seen this coming.
**Cause we all know Asthma would mimic the Mad Hatter